If I stay
by athenades87
Summary: The one who once stood regal and stoic before her subjects. Now was unrecongizable to herself. Depression and a downward spiral to the pits of despair. Would anyone hear her desperate cry for help? ***TRIGGER WARNING INSIDE*** swan queen endgame.


**Hola! Swan Queeners! lol Here's a darker fic for our pairing. I'm not used to writing these darker fics so bare with me. **

**I used a line from the series "Penny Dreadful" because I just ****absolutely love it and it fits Regina so well.**

**I dont own em. Wish I did**

*****TRIGGER WARNING*** TALK OF SUICIDE (if its not your stick, please move on)**

**Happy Reading.**

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Regina watched her life switch like the changing of seasons. The world was on a fast track and she watched it develop before her eyes while she stayed in slow motion. Henry was older now, much less reliant on his mother. Always out with friends or girlfriends, to the school dances, football games, and the movies. His life was, in every sense of the word, normal and Regina was most thankful for that. His well-being was no longer in danger, but for Regina that meant there was nothing left to fight for or with. Regina and Emma were on mutual ground. There were no malevolent forces from another realm threatening the order of things. It seemed all the fight was gone, literally, and Regina had nothing. So, she isolated herself.

'What's the point of being around people when you are unwanted?' she thought to herself. Her fate was decided a long time ago when she chose the path of destruction that ended in nothing. So maybe she deserved to be alone, unwanted and unneeded. Hell, the woman she loved didn't even know of the love she had for her, it was forbidden.

Regina rose from her bed and began a slow gait towards her bedroom door. She glanced briefly around, taking in the stark white walls and the expensive art that screamed wealth and status. It was not unlike the castle she once inhabited when she was truly the queen and had subjects bowing before her. All that power meant nothing now as she walked slowly down the hall, her hands trailing along the walls; she felt them mocking her now. In her mind they were taunting her by saying, "You have nothing, you are nothing. You rule over nothing." Over and over she heard it in her mind. A sob began to rip through her chest as she realized that she was in fact alone. That the happiness she once so desperately needed was nowhere in sight.

Stumbling down the stairs, she grasped blindly for the railing as she reached the bottom. Her body was tired both physically and mentally and the will to continue was no longer there. Somehow behind any power she possessed she made it to her study and sunk wearily into her office chair. In the distance she heard the doorbell ring and then the knocking began. Regina willed the person to go away and when the knocking stopped she thought for once she had gotten her way. Then she heard the footsteps on the front foyer and she knew only of one person who would have the courage to walk in her home uninvited and she was right when she caught sight of the blonde standing in her doorway of her study.

"So, is the old saying true? Does misery love company?" Emma asked as she eyed Regina from the doorway of the study, hoping, well more like praying Regina wouldn't shut her out, but instead let her stay and help slay the demons that torment her.

There was silence for a moment and then Regina stood and walked toward the window. "You see that tree out there, the big maple?" Regina pointed out the window and Emma egded closer as she continued, " About a year before you came Henry decided he wanted to build a tree house."

Emma's eyebrows shot skyward.

"Oh, don't be fooled Miss Swan, I was cautious at first, but I let him have his adventure. Two days into the build though Henry fell from the top step of the ladder and broke his arm. After that, I personally tore what progress he had made down and forbade him from ever trying it again. That was the beginning of Henry's hatred toward me, when he discovered the book, and, well I suppose the rest is history."

"Oh Regina don't say that. You know that's not true," Emma offered.

There was a silence that seems to last for decades, and this silence was most definitely deafening.

"I feel like the walls are crashing around me Emma," Regina turned her back to the blonde to stare back out the window. "These walls," she continued with a raspy defeated voice, "are keeping me bound in a torture chamber of a limitless hell." At that moment Emma knew, God she knew Regina was done, this was it; this was the end of the once feared Evil Queen. Regina drew in another ragged breath and hung her head as silent tears escaped her eyes and ran shamelessly down her face, landing unforgotten on the carpeted floor. "I've just realized that I've hit rock bottom, the only thing is," she raised her head slowly, where green eyes latched onto brown before she finished the confession, "I'm not sure if I'm buried or not."

Emma stared blankly at Regina and her defeated posture, the Regina she once knew, as strong willed, take no shit, I will destroy your happiness if it's the last thing I do, Regina, was no longer there. What stood before her was a defeated, broken, and beaten person and the sight absolutely broke her heart.

"I don't want to leave you here alone tonight Regina, not in this state." Emma moved cautiously toward the brunette. She really didn't want to leave Regina alone. Regina's state of mind right now was so raw and unchecked that she didn't only fear for the safety of the town but Regina's as well. If she were to lose control Emma only knew of one path Regina's magic would go down. Consume and destroy.

"I'm not going to do anything, Emma," Regina spoke softly not making eye contact.

"Hmm." Emma huffed, "I don't know who you are trying to convince more Regina. Me, or yourself."

Regina stiffened, her mind stopped reeling. She looked up at Emma, completely and utterly dumbfounded. How had this blonde, this insufferable human being, whom she had grown to secretly love, know so much about her? Know when she was bullshitting, know when something was wrong. How?

"Emma," Regina whispered so softly, "I have so many sins at my back, it would kill me to turn around."

"I understand that Regina. Honestly, I do. My sins and your sins might not be the same, or even the same magnitude, but sins are sins, evil isn't prejudiced," Emma inched closer.

"You should go Emma," Regina still hadn't turned around.

"Why wont you look at me? Why do I need to leave? I haven't seen you for days," Emma protested.

"Because you shouldn't see how this ends," Regina whispered through her tears.

"How what ends?" Emma's concern grew with each passing second of silence.

"Me." A single word was spoken in such a hushed tone that it was almost silent, but to Emma's ears it sounded like a gunshot. Emma's feet were moving on their own accord and they didn't stop until she was face to face with the brunette.

"What are you talking about Regina?" Emma searched Regina's eyes for an answer when her mouth didn't provide one.

Seconds turned into minutes and it seemed like an eternity to Emma.

"Regina, please talk to me."

Regina drew in a ragged breath, "I cant live this life anymore Emma, I have nothing, I am nothing. I just want this torment to stop. My demons are eating me alive and I don't have the strength to fight them anymore."

"Then let me fight them," Emma spoke softly, "I wish you knew, I wish you could see, I wish you could understand that I would move heaven and earth to be with you and protect you and Henry. I'd follow you to the end of time, Regina."

Regina was at a loss for words; every syllable she wanted to speak would get lodged in her throat.

"Of all the shit we've been through, as many times we have fought to save Henry, to save our selves. You're just going to give up, like it all meant nothing? " Emma was starting to get angry.

"Do you love me?" Regina asked simply.

"With everything in me," she swiped a tear from Regina's cheek. " I don't think you understand that you could literally rip my heart from my chest and stomp one it, and I'd apologize for getting your shoes dirty. That's how much I love you."

Regina only stared, how could this women, the very women that walked into her life so many years ago and turned her entire world upside down, the one woman whom in all reality is a vital part of why Regina is having this thoughts and feelings, be standing here spouting words of love and protection. It was crazy, totally absurd. Emma was not only her savior but her proverbial executioner as well.

How ironic.

Regina smiled only slightly, only enough to appease the blonde.

"Let's go get you ready for bed," Emma suggested and Regina complied.

Regina stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her lithe body. She ran a shaky hand through her damp hair and leaned against the vanity to gaze at her reflection in the mirror. The lifeless eyes that stared back her were alien, but she knew in the back of her mind they belonged to her and that thought alone scared her. She followed a lone tear with her eyes as it traveled down the length of her check and watched it dropped to vanity sink. Regina sucked in a battered breath and turned towards her room. Emma was sitting in the lounge chair silently waiting, when their eyes meet Regina's only saw love and respect pour from them but even that did not comfort her tortured soul. Regina passed what she thought was a convincing smile and walked towards her closet to retrieve her nightgown. As she reached for the nightgown her silent mantra started all over again. 'You are alone, you brought this on yourself. You will never be happy.' Yes, the walls definitely mocked her. She raised a hand to her chest to still her beating heart and an unnerving thought began to evolve in her mind. There was only one way to end this pain. This was the moment. She laid her hand over her chest and plunged with all her might. When she grasped the organ in her palm and yanked it from her chest the pain began to ebb and slowly fade. A small genuine and sadistic smile played with corners of her mouth. This was it.

Too much time had passed for Emma's liking, panic and uneasiness started brewing in the pit of her stomach and the combination made her impaired. "Regina?"

Regina heard Emma's light footsteps walk toward the closet. She slowly turned and faced the blonde with her heart franticly beating in her palm.

"I have to Emma," Regina's voice was so small and full of defeat. "If you love me like you say you do, just walk away, take Henry and make sure he stays safe." Regina finished lightly; the sadistic smile that plagued the brunette's features had long faded away.

Emma's insides were reeling with panic but she schooled her features as to not make haste of a bad situation. She lightly cleared her throat.

"Regina," she inched forward.

"Don't!" Regina shouted, "Just don't, Emma, please."

Emma threw her hands up and took a step back, "Okay, okay, lets talk about this."

"I'm tried of talking Emma, I'm tired of hurting, I'm-I'm just tired." Sorrowful tears ran like rivers down Regina's cheeks.

"I know you are tired sweetheart, and I also know that I can't allow you to do this. We have been through too much together. We have fought bigger demons that what you are facing right now." Emma walked closer and very cautiously reached out and enclosed Regina's heart with her own hand. "Do you feel that pulsing?" She whispered. "Your heart is speaking to me. It's telling me you want to love but you're scared. You want to have hope and happiness but you don't know how, and that you're not alone," Emma raised Regina's hand and pushed it gently towards her chest.

"And if I stay?" Regina spoke softly.

"Then you'll live," Emma pushed Regina's heart back into her chest and a sob tore through Regina's throat as she collapsed in Emma's arms. She held her there as her body shook with sobs, of grief, of sorrow, of understanding. Finally Regina had caught up to the world, she no longer moved in slow motion, the world was on a fast track and she was right there beside it one step at a time.

And she lived.

Fin.

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